[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Oceanography is all about current events
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.