I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.