I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question