Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
You Might Also Like
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Thank you corporation very cool
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Overindulged this afternoon.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Just this preview of the story is enough
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.