waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
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Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Anime is real
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
gm
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate