Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Aaaa…CHOO!
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled