self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
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Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.