Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
WHO DID THIS?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*