My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
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People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Pat is about to own someone
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.