Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
What the dentist sees
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost