Jail
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not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me