TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
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“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Breaking news:
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.