i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.