[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
You Might Also Like
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s