The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
You Might Also Like
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Not messing around
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?