80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.