“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Education is vital
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.