my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
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Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir