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Expectations vs. Reality
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.