PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
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none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.