me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered