Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
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Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Did my cat write this
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what