That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
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AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now