Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
So glad we cleared that up
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese