[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.