[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
*3.5 thank you very much.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.