Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
You Might Also Like
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.