Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.