All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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U talkin 2 me?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.