Never forget.
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.