Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
what are they serving at kfc then???
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that