A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB