Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
#oldknees
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
💻🤡
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?