what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
listen closely
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no