Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
No chill.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.