Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Best mom ever 😂
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Liquor Store Parking
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.