My dog after a walk in the woods.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.