This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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Just a reminder, folks:
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point