mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
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YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?