Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 馃槶馃ズ馃グ (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 馃槀
Gosh I love her sooo much 鈥硷笍
You Might Also Like
I鈥檓 sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
i like elevator conversations because i know there鈥檚 a time limit
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
It鈥檚 not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here