when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
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Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Um … Hot Wings please
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to