I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
fixed it
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂