I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
huge if true: the moon
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.