I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong