Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.