When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.