*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day