ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.