born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal