But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Yup.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’